So I Thought

Lyrics of the Week:

All your twisted thoughts free flow
To everlasting memories
Show soul
Kiss the stars with me
And dread the wait for
Stupid calls returning to us to life
We say to those who are in love
It can't be true 'cause we're too young
I know that's true because so long I was
So in love with you
So I thought

A year goes by
And I can't talk about it

On my knees
Dim lighted room
Thoughts free flow try to consume myself in this
I'm not faithless
Just paranoid of getting lost or that I might lose
Ignorance is bliss, cherish it
Pretty neighborhoods you learn too much to hold
Believe it not
And fight the tears
With pretty smiles and lies about the times

A year goes by
And I can't talk about it
The times weren't right
And I couldn't talk about it

Choris Romance says goodnight
Close your eyes and I'll close mine
Remember you, remember me
Hurt the first, the last, between
Choris Romance says goodnight
Close your eyes and I'll close mine
Remember you, remember me
Hurt the first, the last, between

And I'm praying that we will see
Something there in between
Then and there that exceeds all we can dream
So we can talk about it

Choris Romance says goodnight
Close your eyes and I'll close mine
Remember you, remember me
Hurt the first, the last, between
Choris Romance says goodnight
Close your eyes and I'll close mine
Remember you, remember me
Hurt the first, the last healing

And I'm praying that we will see
Something there in between
Then and there that exceeds all we can dream

And all these twisted thoughts I see
Jesus there in between
And all these twisted thoughts I see
Jesus there in between

-Flyleaf

Thanksgiving Madness

It's been a busy Thanksgiving break but it's been far too short. For the more visual types, what follows is a summary of my escapades in easy-to-read bulleted form:

• Avoided eating far too much food on Thanksgiving Day
  
• Managed to win 2 out of 3 Euchre games
  
• Completely avoided shopping or going out of the house the day after Thanksgiving...Ugh, I hate black Friday...too many people.
  
• Spent some quality time with Lester and Li-Li
  
• Fixed up Debris all nice. She now has a new muffler, new tire valve stems, clean windows, and a faint body shop scent.
  
• Took a gander at Jupiter and Venus before they disappeared below the neighbor's house. Also saw the Pleiades and figured out how the eyepiece filters are supposed to be used.
  
• Saw Quantum of Solace again. It was better the second time.
  
• Saw the new Star Trek movie trailer again. It was worse the second time.
  
• Did a smidgeon of homework. Just a smidgeon. I managed to raise my first World Lit exam grade from a C to a B- and do all the reading in that class up to Wednesday. Add to that a little bit of Math Stats take home (like, a 1/3 of it), and I'm happy with the work I got done. I will regret it later this week though...
  
• Listened to country.
  
  Now I feel that I need to explain this one. Make no mistake: in no way at all am I now a fan of country music. Call me a heretic if you want, but I felt the need to branch out and remove some prejudices in my life, and one of the biggest prejudices is toward that twangy-let's-talk-about-my-girl-my-dog-my-tractor-and-every-sad-thing-that-can-possibly-happen-to-me-until-you're-sick-of-it style country music that I loathe so much. (My prejudices are not completely removed, as you can maybe tell.) A friend and I traded country and screamo for a short time, and I think it's been good for me. Mostly. I caught myself using certain...contractions...and other non-sensical words that I shan't be sayin'. So ya'll just need to fergive me now if ya start hearin' me sayin' things like that. Ahem. Allow me to turn on some Demon Hunter...ahhh, that's better. :) They always make me smile.
  

Um, for fear of losing my last few readers because this post is too long, I shall end it now. Feel free to quote me on anything I've said.

Beneath

It seems lately that in my selfishness I've been disappointing the people I love.

Let You In

Lyrics of the Week:

Lying here, in this pit
That life's pushed me down
I don't know just how long I can take
Or when I might break
I'm in, needing so someone
Please show me the truth

This need is real, in my soul I feel
The love you shared
That's why I can't say no again
My thoughts are confused
For my sins you're abused
My heart it screams
To open up and let you in

In my mind
I'm still fighting to understand
Nothing's free, but what you offered me
You give so freely
Though it cost you your life and inside
You show me the truth

This need is real, in my soul I feel
The love you shared
That's why I can't say no again
My thoughts are confused
For my sins you're abused
My heart it screams
To open up and let you in

You know I try to do it
To be a self-made man
I tried to place it all
Upon my back again
But this crushing weight
Was well beneath the skin
Panicking for the light
An inner struggle I fight
But then I realized
That you could be the only way

This need is real, in my soul I feel
The love you shared
That's why I can't say no again
My thoughts are confused
For my sins you're abused
My heart it screams
To open up and let you in

Let you in...
Let you in...
Let you in.

-Kutless

Memories

Morning light hides behind shadowy veils
White snow glistens in tranquil bliss
Remembering anniversaries of days long forgotten...
Forgotten by most, remembered by one:
O holy day when love was quenched
When lifeless tears were shed,
Remember the arms of love that held you then
Remember the light you were given in times of darkness...
Light fades from pale blue to crimson red
Pristine crystals crack under dirty footsteps
The world sleeps
Stupid college students awaken
The day has lived and died
Let it live on in our memories.

Perl to the Rescue Again

Lately I've been having some interesting problems with apt on my Ubuntu installation. I had just finished reinstalling Hardy on my laptop after failing to get wireless working on Gentoo (again). I was attempting to install some of my essential Linux programs like konsole and amarok; however, apt was not properly downloading the files. Whether I was on wireless or plugged into the wall, it would download a couple kb of the .deb file (perhaps a single packet?) and then stall. I tried different times, different servers, different network ports, but nothing worked. Other packages would download fine, but not these. I could kill apt and restart it, and it would then download the next few kb and stall. This is no way to download updates.

Interestingly, I figured out what files it was trying to grab and attempted to fetch them with wget...it worked. Downloading with Firefox? Worked again. For some reason apt was failing to download certain packages from any server. So I wrote a nifty little Perl script that takes a package name as input, queries apt for a list of files to fetch, downloads them with wget (displaying nice progress indicators along the way), places them in the appropriate apt cache location, and then runs apt-get to install the package using the cached files. I later added functionality for other apt commands like update, upgrade, and dist-upgrade, effectively making it a simple apt-get wrapper that bypasses whatever apt uses to download .deb files. Well, it works and it's pretty cool. Perl to the rescue once more. I think it shall never run out of usefulness to me.

My Dinner With Andre

Released: 1981
Runtime: 110 min.
Cast: 2 (plus 2 minor actors)
Budget: ridiculously low
IMDB: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0082783/

The other day was Communication Adventures Day, so another guy and I decided to randomly watch a movie about communicating (kind of). I had no idea what to expect, but I now consider it one of my favorite movies ever.

Nearly the entirety of My Dinner With Andre consists of two men talking in a fancy New York restaurant, discussing the courses of their lives since they last saw each other. There is no plot. There is no resolution. There are no sword fights or gun battles. There is no romance. There is a little conflict. It's the kind of movie that requires very careful attention or else you miss so much, and you must either watch it by yourself or with those people who know how to watch good movies (i.e. silently).

Since there's no plot, there's not much to give away. One man, Andre, has spent the last several years living very eastern mystic-y in various places. The first half is basically him talking about all the things he's done and the experiences he's had traveling around the world doing crazy things. The rest of the movie is a discussion between Andre and Wally about all sorts of philosophical issues. They discuss life, what it means to be alive, a fundamental relationship between daily life and acting in the theatre, differences between people who accept life as it is and those who seek to know the deeper meaning behind it, the relationship between science and mysticism and how it beautifully ties in with the Eastern and Western worldviews, and so on and so on. It's such a beautiful philosophical movie that truly does require your utmost and careful attention lest you be bored.

The movie unintentionally leaves it as an exercise to the viewer to tie in Christianity with all things discussed in the film. There is no indication of any kind of Christian overtone (which I think is a good thing), so it's up to you to decide what it all means and what to make of it. It really makes you think. I highly recommend it--but beware, it's not for the faint of heart. If you don't approach it with an open mind, I see little to be gained. Even so it's very interesting.

As an added bonus, one of the writers (who both play themselves in the film) is Wallace Shawn, perhaps better known as Vizzini from The Princess Bride. If you listen carefully, you will hear him say the word "inconceivable" almost exactly like he does in that movie. It most certainly made me laugh my head off before I realized I was missing important stuff. Now according to my own rules, I may not claim that it's my favorite movie ever until I've seen it at least twice. Perhaps that'll be the thing to do over Thanksgiving break. (I just checked...Kalamazoo Public Library has it!)

Forever

Lyrics of the Week:

Forever your eyes will hold the memory
I saw your heart as it overtook me
We tried so hard to understand and reason
But in that one moment I gave my heart away

I gave my heart away
In that moment I gave my heart away
In that moment I gave my heart away

With that perfect breath where my mind lay beside me
And all I knew is what had overtaken me
With no reason I am comforted by inability to understand

Forever your eyes will hold the memory
I saw your heart as it overtook me
We tried so hard to understand and reason
But in that one moment I gave my heart away

I gave my heart away
In that moment I gave my heart away
In that moment I gave my heart away

FOREVER your eyes will hold the memory
Forever your eyes will hold the memory
Forever your eyes will hold the memory

When I wake from this dream
Will your smile still open my heart
And leave me transparent?
When I wake from this dream
Will your smile still open my heart?

-As I Lay Dying

Communication Adventures Day

I would have written a post yesterday had it not been the third annual Communications Adventures Day! (It's just coincidence that the acronym is ironically CAD) CAD is is a day for computer science majors or other anti-social geeks to avoid talking about or using computers/math/science/video games for the entire day. Some activities of the day included:

• Playing frisbee
  
• Coloring with crayons
  
• Watching My Dinner With Andre, one of the best screenplays ever
  
• Playing Chutes and Ladders in reverse
  
• Putting ~5% of a 1000 piece puzzle together before giving up
  
• Counting my pennies
  
• Wondering if I had any important emails I was missing out on
  
• Having interesting conversations about injuries, Dr. Heth, female role models, caterpillars, and the ubiquitous YOUR FEELINGS
  

Whenever someone asked me how I was feeling, I never knew how to respond. This happened at least 5-10 times. What should I say? Since the only reason they're asking is because it's CAD and not because they really care, I could just respond with the oft-used "Fine. You?" response. Or I could start making things up; that could be very interesting but would be rather untruthful. Or I could respond with an honest response, but unfortunately that requires actually knowing how I'm feeling. When something really good or really bad happens, I suppose I know that I'm feeling happy, sad, tired, excited, pensive, pissed, worried, disappointed, satisfied, etc. (All of which happened yesterday at some point or another.) But a lot of the time I don't know how I feel. Is this something I'm supposed to know and constantly think about? Can't I just exist and that be good enough for everyone? Perhaps there's some other question we could be asking each other that's slightly more thought-provoking? Just a suggestion...

Big Plans and Fun Times

Life has been wild lately. From three tests in two days, to late nights and early mornings, to coloring in a Disney princess coloring book with a half dozen other people, to awesome conversations with awesome friends. It's been a crazy couple of weeks.

I was recently introduced to what is now one of my favorite games ever: Truth or Truth. Think truth or dare but without the dare. There's no winners, no losers, no teams, no score, can be played anywhere and with anyone, and it's the best possible way to get to know a bunch of people really well. As an added bonus, it's a game that can easily be made to be really awkward. (Yay for awkward!) It also helps that we played it while coloring Disney princesses with crayons. (This is apparently what Christians do for fun.)

I attempted for the second time to install Gentoo on my laptop as I am unhappy with the Intrepid update to Ubuntu. I got everything working, save for the wireless, which is kinda necessary. So I formatted and reinstalled Ubuntu. I'll try Intrepid again, but if it continues to give me problems I'll stick with Hardy.

On a completely different note, I'm so addicted to Skillet, it can't be healthy. Or can it?

*pause for a moment while I take a survey for Calvin College's Dining Commons, despite the fact that I've never eaten there before in my life*

Hmm, what else to say? I suppose I could ask for prayer for the future, as I'm trying to work out some things in my spiritual life, and I've very recently made big changes in my life plans which I'm really excited about. It kind of started with a recent trip to Ohio to visit a friend's family. Ever since then I've made some major decisions about what I think God wants my life to look like, and it's not at all what I was expecting. Hooray for God's crazy timing too...

Imperfection

Lyrics of the Week:

You're worth so much
It'll never be enough
To see what you have to give
How beautiful you are
Yet seem so far
From everything you're wanting to be
You're wanting to be

Tears falling down again
Tears falling down

You fall on your knees
You beg, you plead
Can I be someone else
For all the times I hate myself?
Your failures devour
Your heart in every hour
You're drowning in your imperfection

You mean so much
That heaven would touch
The face of humankind for you
How special you are
Revel in your day
You're fearfully and wonderfully made
You're wonderfully made

Tears falling down again
Come let the healing begin

You fall on your knees
You beg, you plead
Can I be someone else
For all the times I hate myself?
Your failures devour
Your heart in every hour
You're drowning in your imperfection

You're worth so much
So easily crushed
Wanna be like everyone else
No one escapes
Every breath we take
Dealing with our own skeletons

You fall on your knees
You beg, you plead
Can I be someone else
For all the times I hate myself?
Your failures devour
Your heart in every hour
You're drowning in your imperfection

Won't you believe?
Won't you believe
All the things I see in you?

You're not the only one
You're not the only one
Drowning in imperfection

-Skillet

Grace and Love

Lyrics of the Week:

Many things in life are hard for me
Many things can pull us down
I don't understand
Why I do what I do
How could I take my eyes off You?

After all You've done for me
And after all You've done for me

And it's by grace and love
I am saved
And it's by grace and love
You've forgiven me
And by that love and grace
I'm amazed
And it's by grace and love
I am free

I am free
I am free
I am free

And it's by grace and love that I am free
I'll live with You eternally
I thank you Lord that I am free
I thank you Lord for loving me
I thank you Lord for dying
Upon the tree of Calvary
I thank you Lord for loving me
I thank you Lord for dying for me

Cuz it's by grace and love
I am saved
And it's by grace and love
You've forgiven me
And by that love and grace
I'm amazed
And it's by grace and love
I am free

I am free
I am free
I am free

And many things in life are hard for me
Many things can pull us down
But by grace and love
You've forgiven me
And by grace and love
We are free

-Kutless