Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Facebook

I don't know what prompted this or when exactly it happened, but last night I got this idea: what would happen if I got rid of Facebook? The thought never occurred to me, as I've had it since high school. It's pretty useless. I don't use it for pictures. It's only a waste of time to me. The only thing I'm worried about is being disconnected from people, but then I realized that all I do is stalk people instead of actually talking to them, so why bother? I'm going to try going without it for a couple weeks, and unless I find or hear any really compelling reasons to keep it, I may just get rid of it altogether.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Comatose

Lyrics of the Week:

I hate feeling like this
I'm so tired of trying to fight this
I'm asleep and all I dream of
Is waking to you
Tell me that you will listen
Your touch is what I'm missing
And the more I hide I realize I'm slowly losing you
Comatose
I'll never wake up without an overdose of you

I don't wanna live, I don't wanna breathe
'less I feel you next to me
You take the pain I feel
Waking up to you never felt so real
I don't wanna sleep, I don't wanna dream
Cause my dreams don't comfort me
The way you make me feel
Waking up to you never felt so real

I hate living without you
Dead wrong to ever doubt you
But my demons lay in waiting
Tempting me away
Oh how I adore you
Oh how I thirst for you
Oh how I need you!
Comatose
I'll never wake up without an overdose of you

I don't wanna live, I don't wanna breathe
'less I feel you next to me
You take the pain I feel
Waking up to you never felt so real
I don't wanna sleep, I don't wanna dream
Cause my dreams don't comfort me
The way you make me feel
Waking up to you never felt so real

Breathing life
Waking up
My eyes
Open up

Comatose
I'll never wake up without an overdose of you

I don't wanna live, I don't wanna breathe
'less I feel you next to me
You take the pain I feel
Waking up to you never felt so real
I don't wanna sleep, I don't wanna dream
Cause my dreams don't comfort me
The way you make me feel
Waking up to you never felt so real

Oh how I adore you
Waking up to you never felt so real
Oh how I thirst for you
Waking up to you never felt so real
Oh how I adore you
Oh, the way you make me feel
Waking up to you never felt so real

-Skillet

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Skillet

Today is the release of Skillet's new live album, Comatose Comes Alive. I preordered it, and it arrived today. I watched a few minutes before I was torn away to go to class, and I must say that it is AMAZING! It's exactly like the concert except that I was sitting comfortably, there weren't hoards of sweaty people all around me, it wasn't blistering hot, my knees weren't aching, and it wasn't blow-your-eardrums-out loud (although that last one can be easily fixed). It's incredible. I feel that no one can claim to be alive until they've experienced a Skillet concert, even if it's on a DVD.

Skillet accompanied the release of their live album with a Facebook note, and I thought I'd share some of what they said. After mentioning that their last tour went really well, that they are in pre-production on a new album, and that they will have a live studio webcam set up, he had this to say:

I feel I have to say at least something about whats' been going on in the world of politics and our economy. I won't go into any details or share any of my views, but I just want to encourage everyone to be in prayer. Pray for our nation, that it would be honoring to God. Pray for our potential leaders and our current leaders that they would have wisdom in leading our nation. Pray for God's light to be seen, that amidst the craziness of everything going on, there would be a light of hope and peace shining through. I've been watching the news a lot lately and I can only imagine how easy it is for people to become afraid of what "could happen". What we need to remember is there is a God who is in control. No matter what government official is in charge. No matter what drop or bailout is going on in the economy. We can know a deep peace that transcends all understanding.

-Benjamin Judah



This perfectly paralleled what Dr. Habecker said in chapel today: that we should not have cause to worry because God is in control. I guess I don't have much to add to that, but it can be a great reminder of encouragement if you've got something on your mind worrying you, whether it's the economy or grad school or relationships or what have you. Have a good day, world.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Fall Break and Other Goodies

Alas, fall break has ended and we're back in the swing of things. I'm quite proud of myself for going from 3pm Wednesday to about 3pm Sunday without doing anything that could be considered productive. I slept, watched lots of movies (2001: A Space Odyssey, The Italian Job, War of the Worlds, X-Men 2, and maybe a couple more), and even played some video games. Of course, all the sleep that I caught up on over the weekend was worthless because I had a late night doing homework Sunday night (~3 1/2 hours of sleep, plus a nap during chapel). Oh well.

We had our first ever co-ed Casino FOSO in the Gerig lounge, complete with a full service bar, three tables of Texas Hold 'em, and paparazzis. I borrowed Mike's camera and went on a shooting spree; see Facebook for pictures of the glamorous event.

I recently read the most amazing short story for World Lit. "The Fortune Teller" by Joaquim Machado de Assis. I can't say much of what it's about without giving everything away, but the ending is great (meaning most people would probably hate it).

In other news, after adamantly refusing to go on the pick-a-date on Friday, I promptly changed my mind. It involves eating at the Flat Top Grill and playing laser tag afterwards. I don't think it's very date-esque or at all conducive for people getting to know each other, but it'll still be great fun. And since when are pick-a-dates supposed to resemble real dates anyways? Perhaps that should be an entirely different post...I feel like I could draw out a lengthy post out of that topic (I'm very opinionated, what can I say?).

Lastly, I have discovered the second best waste of time in all my years of existence: N. N is a flash game where you are this little ninja and you try to get to the door by flipping switches and avoiding killer robots. There are 500 levels (hence the great potential for waste of time). My roommate discovered it a couple years ago but it has taken me until now to start playing. But nothing beats the ultimate waste of time ever...*drumroll*...watching an entire episode of Hypnotoad from the Futurama movie DVD. I am proud to say that I have watched the entire thing, but that was literally the least productive time in my life. I do not recommend it.

I think that's about all. Stay tuned for more updates in the life of Zekky.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Pride Away

Lyrics of the Week:

Have you ever seen a man stumbled and fallen
All due to his pride
I don't want to be another one
Fallen due to my pride

Take my pride away
Pride away
Take my pride away
Pride away
Take my pride away

Lord keep me only focused on you
Make me a humble man
Don't ever let me take the credit
For all that you have done

Take my pride away
Pride away
Take my pride away
Pride away
Take my pride away

Standing here amidst this point of definition
Pushing for position as I battle opposition
Am I on a mission or is it all in vain
Do you notice the difference or is it all the same
And who do I blame when my vision gets blurry I
Get in a hurry frustrated and feeling fury
Faith is enduring to stand the test of time
Answers are plain we make them hard to define
But pull from divine when problems arise
But pride denies and my stand never survives
In every one of our lives in every single day
We need to lay down our pride as God takes it away

Take my pride away
Pride away
Take my pride away
Pride away
Take my pride away

-Kutless

Saturday, October 18, 2008

I Showered With A Ladybug

Last night I took a shower, and when I stepped out to dry I noticed a ladybug in the shower. And I said "Oh Hai! How long how you been there?" Then I continued on with my life.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

To Write Love On Her Arms




TO WRITE LOVE ON HER ARMS
by Jamie Tworkowski

Pedro the Lion is loud in the speakers, and the city waits just outside our open windows. She sits and sings, legs crossed in the passenger seat, her pretty voice hiding in the volume. Music is a safe place and Pedro is her favorite. It hits me that she won't see this skyline for several weeks, and we will be without her. I lean forward, knowing this will be written, and I ask what she'd say if her story had an audience. She smiles. "Tell them to look up. Tell them to remember the stars."

I would rather write her a song, because songs don't wait to resolve, and because songs mean so much to her. Stories wait for endings, but songs are brave things bold enough to sing when all they know is darkness. These words, like most words, will be written next to midnight, between hurricane and harbor, as both claim to save her.

Renee is 19. When I meet her, cocaine is fresh in her system. She hasn't slept in 36 hours and she won't for another 24. It is a familiar blur of coke, pot, pills and alcohol. She has agreed to meet us, to listen and to let us pray. We ask Renee to come with us, to leave this broken night. She says she'll go to rehab tomorrow, but she isn't ready now. It is too great a change. We pray and say goodbye and it is hard to leave without her.

She has known such great pain; haunted dreams as a child, the near-constant presence of evil ever since. She has felt the touch of awful naked men, battled depression and addiction, and attempted suicide. Her arms remember razor blades, fifty scars that speak of self-inflicted wounds. Six hours after I meet her, she is feeling trapped, two groups of "friends" offering opposite ideas. Everyone is asleep. The sun is rising. She drinks long from a bottle of liquor, takes a razor blade from the table and locks herself in the bathroom. She cuts herself, using the blade to write "FUCK UP" large across her left forearm.

The nurse at the treatment center finds the wound several hours later. The center has no detox, names her too great a risk, and does not accept her. For the next five days, she is ours to love. We become her hospital and the possibility of healing fills our living room with life. It is unspoken and there are only a few of us, but we will be her church, the body of Christ coming alive to meet her needs, to write love on her arms.

She is full of contrast, more alive and closer to death than anyone I've known, like a Johnny Cash song or some theatre star. She owns attitude and humor beyond her 19 years, and when she tells me her story, she is humble and quiet and kind, shaped by the pain of a hundred lifetimes. I sit privileged but breaking as she shares. Her life has been so dark yet there is some soft hope in her words, and on consecutive evenings, I watch the prettiest girls in the room tell her that she's beautiful. I think it's God reminding her.

I've never walked this road, but I decide that if we're going to run a five-day rehab, it is going to be the coolest in the country. It is going to be rock and roll. We start with the basics; lots of fun, too much Starbucks and way too many cigarettes.

Thursday night she is in the balcony for Band Marino, Orlando's finest. They are indie-folk-fabulous, a movement disguised as a circus. She loves them and she smiles when I point out the A&R man from Atlantic Europe, in town from London just to catch this show.

She is in good seats when the Magic beat the Sonics the next night, screaming like a lifelong fan with every Dwight Howard dunk. On the way home, we stop for more coffee and books, Blue Like Jazz and (Anne Lamott's) Traveling Mercies.

On Saturday, the Taste of Chaos tour is in town and I'm not even sure we can get in, but doors do open and minutes after parking, we are on stage for Thrice, one of her favorite bands. She stands ten feet from the drummer, smiling constantly. It is a bright moment there in the music, as light and rain collide above the stage. It feels like healing. It is certainly hope.

Sunday night is church and many gather after the service to pray for Renee, this her last night before entering rehab. Some are strangers but all are friends tonight. The prayers move from broken to bold, all encouraging. We're talking to God but I think as much, we're talking to her, telling her she's loved, saying she does not go alone. One among us knows her best. Ryan sits in the corner strumming an acoustic guitar, singing songs she's inspired.

After church our house fills with friends, there for a few more moments before goodbye. Everyone has some gift for her, some note or hug or piece of encouragement. She pulls me aside and tells me she would like to give me something. I smile surprised, wondering what it could be. We walk through the crowded living room, to the garage and her stuff.

She hands me her last razor blade, tells me it is the one she used to cut her arm and her last lines of cocaine five nights before. She's had it with her ever since, shares that tonight will be the hardest night and she shouldn't have it. I hold it carefully, thank her and know instantly that this moment, this gift, will stay with me. It hits me to wonder if this great feeling is what Christ knows when we surrender our broken hearts, when we trade death for life.

As we arrive at the treatment center, she finishes: "The stars are always there but we miss them in the dirt and clouds. We miss them in the storms. Tell them to remember hope. We have hope."

I have watched life come back to her, and it has been a privilege. When our time with her began, someone suggested shifts but that is the language of business. Love is something better. I have been challenged and changed, reminded that love is that simple answer to so many of our hardest questions. Don Miller says we're called to hold our hands against the wounds of a broken world, to stop the bleeding. I agree so greatly.

We often ask God to show up. We pray prayers of rescue. Perhaps God would ask us to be that rescue, to be His body, to move for things that matter. He is not invisible when we come alive. I might be simple but more and more, I believe God works in love, speaks in love, is revealed in our love. I have seen that this week and honestly, it has been simple: Take a broken girl, treat her like a famous princess, give her the best seats in the house. Buy her coffee and cigarettes for the coming down, books and bathroom things for the days ahead. Tell her something true when all she's known are lies. Tell her God loves her. Tell her about forgiveness, the possibility of freedom, tell her she was made to dance in white dresses. All these things are true.

We are only asked to love, to offer hope to the many hopeless. We don't get to choose all the endings, but we are asked to play the rescuers. We won't solve all mysteries and our hearts will certainly break in such a vulnerable life, but it is the best way. We were made to be lovers bold in broken places, pouring ourselves out again and again until we're called home.

I have learned so much in one week with one brave girl. She is alive now, in the patience and safety of rehab, covered in marks of madness but choosing to believe that God makes things new, that He meant hope and healing in the stars. She would ask you to remember.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Still As Slumber

A remnant of the past,
Out of place in modern times.
I spy a lone soldier standing resolutely,
Partially obscured by midget flakes of black
Yet overshadowed by blooming beauty.
Like a sentinel guarding a fortress
He disallows weary travelers a brief taste of bland.
Yellow bows to red,
Red triumphs over all.
I must take leave now-
Her Supreme Majesty has arrived.

Inspired by a bottle of hot sauce at lunch left over from the night before. Yes, I know I'm weird...

Sunday, October 12, 2008

We Are Broken

Lyrics of the Week:

I am outside and I've been waiting for the sun
With my wide eyes, I've seen worlds that don't belong
My mouth is dry...with words I cannot verbalize
Tell me why we live like this

And keep me safe inside
Your arms like towers
Tower over me

Cause we are broken
What must we do to restore
Our innocence and all the promise we adored?
Give us life again
We just wanna be whole

Lock the doors, I'd like to capture this voice
That came to me tonight
So everyone will have a choice
And under red lights, I'll show myself it wasn't forged
We're at war...we live like this

So, keep me safe inside
Your arms like towers
Tower over me

Cause we are broken
What must we do to restore
Our innocence and all the promise we adored?
Give us life again
We just wanna be whole

Tower over me
Tower over me

And I'll take the truth at any cost

Cause we are broken
What must we do to restore
Our innocence and all the promise we adored?
Give us life again
We just wanna be whole

-Paramore

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

A Call For Honesty

I'd say a good majority of the feedback one receives during his or her life is generally positive. People complimenting each other on their musical tastes, providing encouragement for an upcoming test, professing how great that frisbee throw was. And even in my life most of the things people say to me are quite positive. I like your hair, nice catch, great job today, you guys are top quality, you two are great together, etc. Some of these things are repeatedly mentioned by many different people at varying intervals.

But once in a while I get a negative comment. Someone says something to my face that contradicts what everyone else is saying. (Rarely I will hear about something that was said behind my back, but that's another story.) Either way, if I only took those negative statements to be outliers and discarded them, I would still accept all the positive things as truth and live on in blissful ignorance. But to me, when someone makes a comment that rubs me the wrong way like that, it carries a lot more weight. I'm usually a bit startled at first and don't know how to respond (because I'm not used to it), but the more I think about it the more I realize that I can trust that they were being genuinely honest. If they were lying, then they must hate me and think very lowly of me to say such a thing to my face. I admit that most everyone doesn't hate me like that (I think). I'll accept that these people are my friends and that what they said was the honest truth.

But if that is the truth, then what does that make everything else? It essentially nullifies everything that has been said about or to me up to that point. Now, some things are just a matter of opinion. Like, I don't care that Joe down the hall doesn't like heavy metal/screamo. That's fine. As long as it doesn't affect our relationship, who cares? But when something is more fact than opinion and someone is brutally honest about how it really is, then it makes me wonder if everyone else has been lying to my face all this time.

Once I come to this realization, I start to wish that everyone would be like that. Instead of making things up and haphazardly throwing around meaningless compliments, I wish that people would be open and honest about how they really felt about certain things. No, not certain things--everything. I really appreciate it when someone has the guts to tell me their honest opinion, especially if it isn't easy to hear. Of course, tact is still called for, but it doesn't have to pollute the truth any.

I'm not asking that people stop being positive and start criticizing each other all the time. What I am asking is that they show a little sincerity in the things they say. (I'm just as guilty as anyone else; I don't for a second think I'm above anyone in this matter.) It may open wounds, but it also opens the way to honest conversations, deeper relationships, and practical solutions. Think objectively for a minute: if a student was failing math because he didn't understand the basic rules of algebra, you wouldn't keep telling him that he's doing a great job and then watch him fail over and over again without saying anything. It may not be the most positive thing to do, but he needs to be told that he is failing, where he is failing, and what he can do to fix it. Only then can he grow.

As usual, this post is longer than intended. My main point is this: I think we are called to live honest lives just as much as we are called to be encouraging to others. Encouraging someone with a lie doesn't help them grow. It may for a time, but eventually he will find out the truth, and then what you said carries no weight. Can we live honestly with each other? Can we please have the guts to tell others our true feelings? It's painful sometimes, but I think it's necessary.

Fungus Opera

I have found what I would deem to be the greatest Youtube video I've seen in a very long time. I wouldn't even call this one a waste of 1 minute and 34 seconds. Or 3 minutes 8 seconds if you watch it a second time, which I did.

http://blogs.discovermagazine.com/loom/2008/09/16/fungus-opera/

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Ocean Floor

Lyrics of the Week:

The mistakes I've made
That caused pain
I could have done without

All my selfish thoughts
All my pride
The things I hide
You have forgot about

They're all behind you
They'll never find you
They're on the ocean floor
Your sins are forgotten
They're on the bottom of the ocean floor

My misdeeds
All my greed
All the things that haunt me now
They're not a pretty sight to see
But they're wiped away
By a mighty, mighty wave
A mighty, mighty wave

They're all behind you
They'll never find you
They're on the ocean floor
Your sins are forgotten
They're on the bottom of the ocean floor

Your sins are erased
And they are no more
They're out on the ocean floor

Take them away
To return no more
Take them away
To the ocean floor
To the ocean floor
To the ocean floor

They're all behind you
They'll never find you
They're on the ocean floor
Your sins are forgotten
They're on the bottom of the ocean floor

Your sins are erased
And they are no more
They're out on the ocean floor

Your sins are forgotten
They're on the bottom
Of the ocean floor

Your sins are erased
And they are no more
They're out on the ocean floor

-Audio Adrenaline

Saturday, October 4, 2008

Make It So, Number One

For those who don't know, I now have no hair. It's pretty weird. I've had it really short before, but never this short. My head gets a little chilly, but I guess that's what hats are for. So far I've gotten compared to two major figures; when I wear my glasses they say I look like Gandhi, and when I don't I look like Jean-Luc Picard, which is perhaps the greatest compliment I have ever received.

I was at the movie store in Muncie today and contemplated purchasing the entire Star Trek decology (all 10 movies), but then looked at the price tag. So instead I bought Star Trek IV (perhaps the best out of the 10) and War of the Worlds for $12. I don't like Tom Cruise as a person that much, but I really like many of his movies and do think he's a good actor.

I bought wire coat hangers and used one to fashion a clip for Matilda (my lightsaber). I can now carry it around on my belt or pocket and leave my other hands free for Vera (my modded Nerf gun) and...other stuff. The current game of assassins has claimed 3 lives so far--I shall not be one of them! (+5 geek points to those who know where Vera comes from.)

Sonic FTW. That place is pretty awesome. chkdsk is also pretty awesome. So far it has saved the same laptop twice. I have a feeling the hard drive on that thing is going to die soon. Speaking of dying, my car is about to explode. The muffler fell off last week so it's loud and I don't trust the sounds it's making anymore. At least I got to see a palindrome on the odometer on the way back from the airport today! It passed 211,112 miles. I also named her today. She is now known as Debris (pronounced deb-riss).

Eh, what else is new? We have Airband practice tonight. They have apparently been working on new choreography and I can't wait to see it. We are going to rock the show. Time to eat another chunk of cookie dough and see who's on the floor for open house.